


Partners in Crime and in Life, Captain (8x02 Alternate ending)

by CaskettCaskett (straightasmycravat)



Category: Castle
Genre: AU, Alternate Ending, F/M, PTSD, PTSD attack, Panic Attack, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season 8, Spoilers, major mental breakdown, post ep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 09:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4914913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straightasmycravat/pseuds/CaskettCaskett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate ending for 8x02 XX<br/>Where Castle actually recognizes that the reason Kate is running away from him is because of her PTSD, and he goes to comfort her so she doesn't have to go through all the pain alone.<br/>NOTE: there will be very in depth descriptions of how Beckett is feeling and a focus on her panic attack, if you think this might trigger one in yourself, please try not to read (i'll even make a summary of it if you like)<br/>Extra thanks to my love: who always helps me when I'm in panic attack hell.<br/>FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR @ acecaskettuniverse<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Partners in Crime and in Life, Captain (8x02 Alternate ending)

**Author's Note:**

> This description of PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder) is a combination of how Beckett has reacted in the past and my own experience with anxiety attacks based on PTSD. Everyone's PTSD is different and can vary greatly. So this is not an all encompassing description of every panic attack. 
> 
> Note: Most of what Castle does is what you should do if someone is having a panic attack (see details at the end)  
> SPECIAL THANKS: to bunysliper for helping me get the model of Castle's car correct!

He's mentally broken, battered and bruised when she leaves. It hurt enough that she had lied to him so plainly hours ago and now she’s left him, alone, upset, and confused. and upset.  He can feel the old scar that he had let bloom into resentment and anger from four years ago gnaw its way to the surface. For a moment he tries to maintain the same frustration and exhaustion that he had then: when he told her he was done watching her throw her life away.

****

But things were different now, he chided himself. His anger subsides a bit into an ache. He already misses her, even if she did lie to him. His face softens and he stares at the open door, debating if he should follow her like always, or stay here to lick his wounds.

****

Behind him, the smorelette starts to burn, going from sweet to bitter much like the evening had. The smokey scent reminds him of Beckett’s old apartment exploding around her.

Where would she even go? He wonders. His home was their home now; she no longer had an apartment to retreat to.

It's like she's just avoiding me because- his brain finally kicks in: logic takes  the driver's seat to his hurt emotions.

He had seen this all before. Four years ago: she had lied about what she had known and then rushed off to chase her down the leads to her mother’s murderer alone, risking her own life without hesitation.

"I almost died and all I could think of was you" he hears the ghost of her in his mind, crying out in desperation for comfort.

A tear slides down his cheek as he finally puts the pieces together.

He breaks off into a run, muttering oh shit under his breath.

She was shot again! he yells mentally, picturing her scar tissue from the last time he had almost lost her.That scar was much more than just a physical blemish. It haunted her, even now, she sometimes would wake with a start, gasping for air and grabbing her chest. He’d turned on the light for her more than once at a late hour just to prove to her that she hadn’t just been shot again.

 

And Braken, he half smiles at the reminder of his death. It was hard enough for him too visit that prison, but Kate had talked to him too, had to deal with his smarmy rhetoric and stupid grin. Castle clenches his fist. Getting shot could’ve been enough to potentially set off her PTSD, and if it were that alone he wouldn’t have worried. But she had to sew herself up, and later had to be taken to the hospital and restitched after they removed the bullet. She hated hospitals, they reminded her of death: and her near fatal shooting from last time. To top it all off Bracken was by far her worst trigger. Even after his arrest she didn’t really sleep well for weeks, positive that somehow he would find a way to take revenge on her.

Two of her worst PTSD triggers were stacked together. He was surprised she hadn’t already broken down.

She was so strong, he marveled. He understood where her mind had taken her now:  Kate wasn't running from him just to hide something, nor because some part of their relationship was an issue. It wasn’t about the lies that were hurting him. She was running to protect him, or worse running so that she could go and further investigate Loksat.

Was her driving reason some combination of guilt because she couldn’t protect her old team members? Because she wanted justice? Because of her fixation on unsolved cases? He wasn’t sure, but he was determined to find out.

He saw the elevator close in the hallway, catching only a glimpse of the back of her head.

He couldn't let her go this time, couldn't let her PTSD plunge her into a headlong chase of this mystery asshole who had killed her old team. She had been given an out this time: a decoy was killed so they could go on living. his mind kept racing as he valued the stairs two at a time.

****

He ran out of the door at the bottom like a bullet, just beating the chime of the elevator. He saw her, his wife, with a face that reflected a dangerous look of determination. Her eyes were puffy and her whole face was red. She gave off the emotional vibe that she had aged twenty years since she had gotten off that elevator, like someone who knew they would die soon but were desperate to finish their bucket list.

It terrified him to his core: he hadn’t seen this face since she put Bracken behind bars. This was her risk-it-all face, the one she made only when she thought she had nothing to lose.

****

"Partners in crime and in life, Captain" Castle projected into the almost empty lobby, his voice was still soft.

Her body visibly jerked as she moved her face from the floor to look at him. Her eyes filled with tears. She was torn between running to him and telling him everything, or doing something horribly rash and hurtful in order to make him keep his distance.

She clenched her jaw into a tight line to halt her tears, and tried to speak with biting words, but all that came from her lips was a broken and sad yelp of his name, echoing her screams from four years before when she had been dangling from a building.

Mentally she was in the same level of danger then as she was now, precariously dangling from the decision to effectively throw away her life just to find someone dangerous that hit the same tones of fear and injustice that her mother's murder had. She didn’t understand this though, couldn’t see the similarities because fear was clogging her mind, telling her to fight or run and nothing in-between.

He ran to her and she tried to avoid him, but she was physically and mentally exhausted, using every ounce of her energy just to keep moving forward.

Her plan had been to keep him safe by cutting him out of her life and mind, and he ruptured that. She didn’t know if she was relieved or angry.

He enveloped her in a hug, using the same gentleness that he used for Alexis after her first break up, coupled with the weight of his body so Kate could feel his unwillingness to leave. A sob leaked out that she had been trying to constrain, she was completely unused to this turn of events.

Her coping mechanisms had always been isolation coupled with angry yells that gave her the defensive spikes to keep others away from her. Her dad was just as much of a spiky sea urchin as she was. After her mom passed he was icy and isolated even to her, a pattern which she replicated and expanded on by being purposely risky and rebellious.

"No, get off" she half cried, half bited between her clenched teeth. She wanted to yell at Castle, wanted to scream at him and make him hurt, anything to make him give up and let her go. But her voice sounded more wounded and terrified than she could tell, and like an injured animal. Castle held her tight, refusing to let her harm herself any further. Despite her resolve, tears began to slowly trickle onto his shirt.

"We're going to talk" he softly commanded. "If you want to leave tomorrow morning, we can figure it out then. But you're staying home tonight." He continued nuzzling his head into her jacket shoulder in the way that comforted her.

The tears began to flow more freely and Beckett shook a bit.

"I can't Rick, I just can't" she breathed, each syllable expressing exhaustion and pain. She took a shallow breath. "You said you trusted me, and I need you to let me go" she choked out the second half, the word go still hung on her lips like a ghost, unsure of where to go once it lost its physical form.

"I do trust you Kate, you know I do" he comforted, holding her tighter until she winced from the contact with the recent bullet wound. She had almost forgotten how much it ached. He loosened a bit, still gripping her shoulders tight as he tried to look her in the eyes.

"But trusting you is not the same as letting you run off. I trust you. But I don't trust your actions right now" he met her forehead with his, his eyes a bit blurry now too as a tear or two escaped down his cheeks. Beckett shaked on a hard exhale, releasing more tears. She knew he was right, and she both hated and loved how he could see through her right now.

****

Suddenly, the lobby was overwhelmed by the loud blaring of the fire alarm. It echoed loudly off the walls, filling Kate’s ears with it’s scream. She jumped and began shivering a few times, as Castle looked up to the ceiling and wrinkled his nose and mouth.

"Oh shit, the smorelettes" he bemoaned, putting an arm around his wife's waist and holding her hand with the other before slowly escorting them out of the building. Kate was surprised that she could still move, her body lightly shuddering on occasion as her panic attack fought it’s way to the surface. She was still actively fighting it, though she felt guilty that she had let Castle follow her and console her. It was what she needed, what she wanted even. But she felt guilty that she wasn’t strong enough to push him away, to protect him.

Look what he did for you, her mind beckoned as they shuffled outside onto the darkening sidewalk. The blare of firetruck sirens jarred her just enough so that she was reminded that she was in public, overwhelmed and on the brink of breaking down. She lightly shuddered again as her mind started to fog up.

"You let them burn, just to chase me down?" She half whispered to him, as the firemen sped past them with focused speed and precision. The exact opposite to her slightly tremoring, broken psyche and fatigued body.

"You are much more valuable than a pastry: even a campfire inspired classic" he half smiled, nudging the side of her head with his.

She didn't laugh, couldn't laugh. But perhaps the joke was more for his coping than hers.

She couldn’t help but compare herself to the firefighters. They had been able to focus and stick to her task. She had not, instead of detaching herself from Castle to keep him safe, she had succumbed to his touch. She was so weak, so selfish in comparison.

She felt the need to run, stronger than before and tried to break his grasp on her waist and hand. He held onto her tighter. Her tears began to make her body spasm, and she slowly began to sink under the weight of guilt, fear, and self-presentation because there was nowhere to hide amongst the other families that had walked out of the building due to the alarm. Her mind scolded her because she felt like she was embarrassing not just herself but also her husband. This did not help. But thankfully, Castle did.

Castle pulled her towards him "follow me, we're getting you out of here" he half whispered.

She sighed in relief and began running with him, hand in hand towards the parking lot, tears starting to fall faster and faster. She began to notice the beat of her heart: adrenaline kicking in when it was not truly needed. She felt like she was running from something, and she couldn't place what it was, but she couldn't stop. To stop would mean death, she felt.

Castle was breaking a sweat just to keep up with her, and he corralled her into the parking lot by sharply turning and kindly directing.

"Right here Kate, we're going inside." She only got fragments of each word but thankfully his physical direction was enough. They were on the ground floor, and Kate almost ran into the dividing arm that kept the ramp inaccessible to those without a lot permit.

Castle was behind her now, being dragged in the poorly lit structure. With his free hand he fumbled in his pocket for his car keys, unlocking it with the touch of a button. The back left corner of the structure litt up for a second as the lights on his Buick Regal GS flashed and the horn beeped. This horribly jarred Beckett and she panicked, incorrectly registering the sound as a sign of danger and she tried to pull Castle in the opposite direction. I must protect him, I must protect him she mumbled under her breath on repeat. She was laser focused on avoiding the pursuer and protecting Castle (which didn’t actually exist, but she felt like she was being chased).

"Kate!" His yell echoed. She stopped, frozen except for the slight shake of her shoulders.

Oh god no, they have him, her mind prompted. Her reality was heavily distorted, she thought Bracken’s men were chasing them, her mind was clouded with flashbacks of confrontations with him, all stitched together so that they felt horrifyingly real.

Castle pivoted to face her, still not letting go of her hand. He saw her eyes moving rapidly, analyzing the phantom scenes from her memories. She felt like she was running and falling and tripping all at the same dizzying time. Castle both was there and was not, her breathing began to accelerate as she stood frozen in place.

“Kate, Kate... please honey we’ve got to move” Castle softly pleaded with her, his eyes pooling with tears at the mix of anguish and pure terror on his wife’s face. He lead her to the Buick, She followed absentmindedly, unable to speak. Her body was not in the same reality as her mind, and movement was slow, like a child learning how to walk.

Castle led her with one hand, but kept his eyes fixed on her, unable to look directly into her eyes out of fear of startling her and because he was also scared when she was like this.

He opened up the back passenger door, the light on the inside illuminating the corner of the ramp a little better.

He lightly pushed down on her head and tried to ease her into the car.

She began to yell, her mixed reality convincing her that someone was trying to kidnap her. She expelled a rapid string of words that Castle couldn’t understand and she would later be unable to remember. But he understood her fighting tone, especially since she tried to escape from his hand by digging her nails into him. Beckett’s already shallow breathing quickened.

He stopped trying to help her into the car, and refocused. Having a panic attack was like having a baby, it never waited for the right moment. The first few shallow breaths and shudders were like someone’s water breaking.   
Castle removed his hand from her head, and just let her body do what it wanted.

“It’s gonna be okay Kate, it’s gonna be okay” he repeated rhythmically, his voice low but sweet. She was still hyperventilating, in the center of the cyclone as her body lowered itself until she was crouching up in a tight ball.   
She shook and shuddered, each of her limbs a fault line, each muscle spasming like it was trying to rip a house from it’s foundation. She was speaking, or at least she thought she was, with her words slurring and sputtering and separating unexpectedly and stuttering into a cycle of confusion. Words meant nothing now, except for Castle’s rhythmic drumming that was keeping her grounded. She tried to follow it, tried to make a map from the stormy hell she was in that could lead her back to his voice.

She reached the eye of the storm, her body began to spasm more violently than before and she fell onto the cold concrete. With her bad luck, she landed on her new bullet wound and the pain began to bloom again, adding splashes of red to the tunnel vision she was seeing because she was not getting enough oxygen to her brain. She cried out and screamed, replacing the haunting playback of being chased with the one where she had been shot at Montgomery's funeral.

Her world fractured further as she tightened her hand on Castle’s, which was starting to lose circulation, and he looked at her in eyes. Reality and flashback blurred, all Kate could hear was what he had said in the past, but all she could see was him in the present.   
Castle touched his hand to her face, hoping that it would comfort her.

It was never this bad, he thought, his wife convulsing so bad that he was worried that she might even be having a seizure. He forgot to speak, stopped giving her the drumbeat of his voice that she was trying so hard to reach. She hyperventilated harder, intaking air like she was drowning underwater. She couldn’t breathe or think anymore, her tunnel vision narrowed and despite the light from the open car behind Castle everything was going dark.   
But this was what she needed, a clear sign to her that she was having a panic attack. Not that she hadn’t known before, but with all the fear and mental chaos it hadn’t registered. Hadn’t made it onto the short list that her mind had composed that listed THREATS TO BE AFRAID OF. Her cheeks were buzzing, and the Castle she saw was her Castle, in the here and now. She remembered now, she knew it.

I will control this, she fought. And she focused on her breathing, spent every last bit of energy she had left forcing herself to take slightly less shallow intakes of air. Her head and neck still spasmed at the same fast rate as her heartbeat. but her legs began to slow.   
Castle felt her spasming less and exhaled the breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding in.

“It’s gonna be okay” he repeated, giving her that slow rhythm that she needed.

She was in the eye of her storm now, and while her fear still had a strong grip on her, she could see reality again. She began crying again, quietly with some sense of joy. she had found her way out. But following it would take a while and all of her focus.

Breathe slower, breathe slower, you can do it Kate, she told herself. Through the buzzing cheeks, through the pain in her side that she had now forgotten about, through the tunnel of her vision that was expanding again, she crawled her way out of it. It was slow and painful, like dragging blood knees and scratched knuckles through rough gravel. Her lungs and throat stung, overused and dried out.

I can do this, I will survive, she echoed in her mind. She could see Castle’s face, blurry but colored. It felt like she was crawling forever, little by little she was making progress. She was breathing better, the fear with the unknown source was starting to subside.

Castle began to smile slightly as he heard her breath slowly return to normal. He gently caressed his thumb onto her cheek. For a man who lived off words, he had nothing to say. neither of them could, the expulsion of raw emotion and fear left the parking ramp silent, save for the background noise of the city.

Kate’s breath had quieted, though her heart was still racing. She hurt like hell, but also felt at peace. She felt okay for the first time in two days. She felt like she was smiling, almost glowing actually. Probably because of the lack of oxygen, she thought. Her thoughts were slow now. During the attack, everything was happening so fast, like time was overlapping on itself. Now that she had escaped, her brain had to recuperate by slowing time in half, just so it could process again. She was completely exhausted, like she had climbed a mountain in reverse and the altitude was still still depleting her oxygen. Her cheeks felt like they had fallen asleep, but the physical pain was coming back. She could tell that she was on her wounded side, head hurting because of the cold concrete floor.

“Castle, help...move” she quietly murmured. She sounded like herself again, but like someone had half muted her voice. Her neck and arms still trembled occasionally, aftershocks from the earthquake.

Castle formed an O with his lips, understanding what she meant. He tried his best to be gentle, and helped her sit up. She blinked as a wave of dizziness hit and then settled.

“You okay?” he asked, trying not to sound worried but failing.

“Yeah, I” she replied, unable to finish her sentence because the end of her thought flew away.

Castle smiled sadly, and kissed her on the forehead. He gently touched their foreheads together. Kate closed her eyes, not out of sadness but exhaustion.

Reality grounded her again. She felt the weight of what had happened, vaguely remembering running out of the lobby and into the garage. She could still hear her heart beating fast. She opened her eyes again, and looked into his.

“I’m sorry Castle,” she whispered, a few remaining tears that hadn’t spilled over before dropped onto the concrete. She was apologizing for everything: for lying, for leaving, for not being able to leave, for having this breakdown in public because she wasn’t strong enough to hold it in.

“Hey,” He replied softly, using his free hand to push her chin up because in her shame her eyes had shifted to the ground.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, except maybe that I didn’t stop you from leaving in the first place.” he smiled sadly, kissing her softly. He had been scared, terrified even, as he watched her go through all of the worst emotions where he couldn’t reach her. But now he was in awe, amazed at how strong she was, how hard she had fought to get back to him. Even puffy-eyed and spent she was still beautiful to him, in an entirely different way that he couldn’t quite understand.   
He parted the kiss quickly, concerned because she was still so clearly exhausted. Her eyes looked like they had just seen the end of a long war: wise, tired, and ready for peace.

His pocket buzzed, taking him out of the moment.

He pulled out the screen and Kate shut her eyes to the sudden brightness. They had been out here for over half an hour, he estimated, maybe more. It was hard to tell, just watching Kate fight herself was anguishing enough to feel like an eternity.

5 MISSED CALLS, 5 NEW MESSAGES. He slid the missed calls, somewhat surprised that he hadn’t noticed his pocket going haywire. They were all from his landlord.

“Shit! I lied Kate, i actually do need to apologize for something” He grinned sheepishly, remembering that he was the reason the fire department had been called.

He faced her, apologetically. “The reason the fire department was here earlier...was because I ran out of the house and let our smoreletts burn” He hung his head for a moment, thinking of all the smoothing over he would need to do later. At least the alarms were no longer blaring, so they could probably all go back inside.

Beckett laughed involuntarily, grateful that she was married to such a sweet dork.

“ah,” she half moaned, her throat and abs were still really sore. she finally released her grip on Castle’s hand to cup her throat.

“Oh no, you probably need water. Are you okay? Should i call an ambulance?” He worried, looking her in the eyes. She shook her head even though it also smarted. Her eyes were bulged enough that he understood her dislike of the idea.

“Alright, no ambulance. Still, we should probably go back inside. Have you lay down and rest at least” He conceded, getting up and extending a hand to her.

She narrowed her lips and looked at the ground, not wanting to be ungrateful but still feeling like it would be safer for him if she left. He sighed.

“Just stay with me tonight, please Kate? We can talk whenever you get up but...I can’t have you going out after all this, especially alone.” He pleaded, petting her head lightly.

Maybe it was because she was exhausted, or because it had been what she had really wanted to do since the beginning, she accepted and extended her hand out to him.

How long has it been, she pondered. The panic attack felt like it had occurred in a separate plane of existence, with a construction of time that was entirely different than normal. It felt like she was trapped for days, years, or perhaps even longer. The entire experience was separate from space and time: all she knew was that it felt like she had been trapped in an endless loop but had somehow escaped.

 

She wobbled as she got up, still dizzy and fatigued. Castle steadied her with his other hand. He was hesitant to let her stand unsupported, but she gently moved away from the hand on her back, determined to be self-sufficient as always.

Her cheeks were still buzzing, and the world was still a little tilted, but she started to walk back to the apartment lobby, still holding Castle’s hand.

She moved slower than she expected, her mind still at half speed. Which was good, because then Castle had time to shut the door. The slam didn’t bother her, her brain trying to compensate for the overstimulation from before with the lack of sensitivity now. She felt like she was floating as she walked. Castle walked at her side, happy to keep her pace.

****She was okay now, not great nor at her usual. But okay. And sometimes, okay was enough.**  
**

**Author's Note:**

> Here are some guides about PTSD:  
> WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE IS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK:  
> 1\. Do not yell or tell them to calm down. you will make everything worse  
> 2\. if possible, get them out of public (its embarrassing and can sometimes make things worse)  
> *and away from as much noise as possible, many panic attacks are triggered by overstimulation*  
> 3\. follow their comfort guides. some people like being hugged or holding hands. for others, it can make everything worse. if they have an object or music that comforts them, find it.  
> 4\. unless they command you to leave, stay. make sure we don't get hurt or pass out.  
> 5\. talking helps for many people: find out if it helps them, and if so say comforting things like "its going to be okay" and "im right here" in a low, slow soothing tone. DO NOT try to tell us to refocus or "think zen" unless they specifically ask for it.  
> 6\. dont try to solve the problem for us, save perhaps reminding us to breathe if we've been hyperventilating a while (usually were trying to focus on slowing down our breathing and by telling us to Breathe its like a reminder that were failing)  
> 7\. get an inhaler (if they're asthmatic) or a paper bag. these can really help some people (don't force them on the person, that can be overstimulating  
> 8\. Wait. it'll take a while, but we will come out of it. we will be exhausted.  
> 9\. Call an ambulance if they pass out (it's usually rare, but you never know)  
> **also call an ambulance if they get seisures while having panic attacks and the spasms are lasting a long time**  
> THINGS THAT ARE NORMAL DURING A PANIC ATTACK  
> *hyperventilating  
> *crying/yelling unintelligably  
> *shaking, tremoring convulsing (not to everyone but still okay)  
> *curling into a ball  
> *fighting, lashing out, hiding or trying to defend oneself  
> *sometimes vomiting
> 
> THINGS THAT ARE NOT NORMAL/REQUIRE IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTIO  
> *foaming of the mouth  
> *passing out (uncommon, but bad)  
> *bleeding  
> *being completely unresponsive/unconscious (to touch, light ect. this means not moving at all. think like in a coma)  
> *injuring themselves with a weapon (dangerous level cuts and lascerations, shooting, lighting things on fire, basic level danger stuff)  
> *taking a really big fall, especially to the head (could be a concussion/contusion :better safe than sorry)  
> *exhibiting severe suicidal tendencies (actively trying to commit suicide)  
> *exactly half of their body going limp and speech issues (this is a stroke!!)  
> *choking/ actually not being able to inhale or exhale (no one having a panic attack is holding their breath!)
> 
> If you have PTSD: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/cope/  
> the gov website is really great. REMEMBER NOT ALL PTSD IS BASED ON BEING SHOT OR IN WAR. It can stem from any form of abuse or horrible events. BOTTOM LINE: if you have PTSD, talk to a therapist. They make everything so much better  
> or talk to me, i get it
> 
> Thanks for reading, constructive criticism always appreciated  
> (especially for format stuff!)
> 
> *While the way the episode ended on TV made sense for the characters, it really bothered (scared actually) me that Castle didn't recognize the reason Kate was running away. I know he was hurting and juggling questions about how she can lie but i just couldn't stomach that he didn't follow her when all of her actions (to me) pointed clearly to PTSD*


End file.
